Thursday, July 20, 2017

What a fucking day.

Today was one of them "special days". As I'm getting ready for work, I pass one kitchen chair, trip over it and chair falls on the ceramic floor and breaks! Yep. One of the chairs I've had since I was 20ish. My favourite kitchen set.

 Then I get to work and get on to the work I have to do. At least the past few days I've been testing mostly monitors on a old product so I don't have to put cards in and out of systems and risk banging my head under my bench. Well regardless, one of the few times I did go under my bench I banged my head good, right next to the scar. Have big bump right next to my scar. My head is still pretty numb there.

I convinced Terry to have lunch with me, and we went to Ben and Florentines. I like the fact they have plenty of healthy and gluten free options. In fact I was thrilled to discover another item on the menu I can consume. There's so many there, I actually have to choose what I want!!!! So I chose the quinoa bowl. Our food arrives and mine does not look like a bowl. Call waitress, and ask "This is the Quinoa bowl"? It wasn't. She tells me it will be a while longer since they have to make the Quinoa bowl from scratch.

Sucky part it was like 1:30PM when we went there, so there was not much people. I figured I'd make lunch under an hour. But with the fuck up it took 1:10 minutes. However to make up for it, I got my quinoa bowl for free. It was delicious, except for the asparagus. I'll know next time to say "Hold the asparagus" unless Zoey is with us, then I'll dump it in her plate :P She likes asparagus! There is something else on the menu at Ben & Florentine's where I ask to hold the asparagus. Really not a fan.
Quinoa bowl from Ben & Florentines
Glad today is done. 2017 still sucks.

Ironic how the most racist group in Quebec is also the most inbred?

The region of Quebec that is most racist and Xenophobic is the region of Saguenay-Lac St-Jean. This also happens to be a region in Quebec which is a hotbed for hereditary diseases, not just due to inbreeding but inbreeding does not help.

From an article " There are higher rates in Quebec of some 30 diseases with a genetic basis, including cystic fibrosis, Tay-Sachs, and certain types of muscular dystrophy, high cholesterol, and rickets."

 While they say that some of the reason we have so much hereditary diseases in Quebec is also due to the "founder effect".  But what's for sure is that people who are carriers of certain diseases, should not reproduce with other carriers.

So immigrants coming to Quebec especially those that do not have any French ancestry could help improve the gene pool. But those from the most inbred areas are also those who are most against immigrants. Life's irony!

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Gig at Lancaster camping resort

Beach at Lancaster Park
They sold a Mexican poutine, that was quite acceptable.
The PoliceMen live!

Saturday, July 15, 2017

Last stitch finally gone.

So this morning we removed the last stitch. Finally. Now hopefully the numbness on the top.of the head will disperse. ..

Friday, July 14, 2017

Really Google ?

I'm very disappointed with Google News, offering me Rebel Media as an option for news.

Rebel Media articles should not be pushed by Google news. This is Canada's Breitbart, and should not be shared like fact.

UGH

Thursday, July 13, 2017

Wonder if something is wrong with the comments.

In 2017 there has not been one comment left on my blog. I know people don't leave comments often, but none?  Makes me think the comments aren't working....

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

Still got one fucking stitch

For some reason the top two melting stitches have been giving me a hard time. Maybe it's because they are on my scalp rather than my forehead. The presence of hair might have hampered my body's ability to spot foreign substances Yesterday morning Terry cut the last top stitch saying it was the only left. This morning I realized that the one before that is still there intact. WHAT THE FUCK!!! All the other stitches are long gone. Highly unimpressed.

Monday, July 10, 2017

Reserve faunique Rouge-Matawin photos

lac des sucreries

lac des sucreries

Lac Jamet

Lac Jamet

Spot 1 Lac Jamet

Ruffed Grouse

Ruffed Grouse

Loon

Lac des cinqs doigts

Lac des cinqs doigts

Lac des cinqs doigts

Cascades

cascades

Sunday, July 09, 2017

Camping at Lac des Sucreries at Rouge-Matawin

So this was my second attempt to go to the Rouge-Matawin wildlife reserve. We had not gone camping yet this year and after all this time we decided we should. My head is still sore but we hoped it would be ok.

We decided to go there because it's reasonably close and he keeps saying he wants to go to Parc du Mont Tremblant. I've been there enough, I've been to all the areas, and lets be honest, Tremblant, Oka and Plaisance are where Montrealers go in large amounts. In fact there are people who only camp at the same place every single year.

Since I like variety and I don't like crowds I decided to retry Rouge-Matawin, despite my Lac Jamet experience. I think the problem there is that I took the 4, and then the 41 and got lost. If you take the 2, you get to the 6 and Lac Jamet easily. We did actually try to go there this time on Saturday, and we decided if we go to Rouge-Matawin again, we'd take the first spot on Lac Jamet.

So Thursday night we reserved spot 39 at Lac des sucreries. It's right at the La Macaza entrance, I figured we'd be able to make it there for 9pm.  Originally he wasn't supposed to work and I was finishing at 1:30. In the end he did work and I had to pack the truck alone and pick him up at 4.  We didn't leave Montreal till 6:30 and the Laurentian auto-route was a giant parking lot all the way past St Jerome.   We made it to the Wildlife reserve it was 8:50. 

Since I already hat a spot, she just had to make a paper for their holder and I was good. She said "Oh you're right in front here".  Now I figured she did not mean it LITERALLY.  I thought she meant that the Lac des sucreries campground is almost in front of the acceuil.  No, spot 39 is LITERALLY in front of the acceuil. ANd it's confusing, because you can go from 1 - 34 and 40 & 41 are all continuous in the campsite and 35-39 are in front of the acceuil, 39 is right near the canoe portage trail.

Well we went around for ONE HOUR looking for spot 39. Unlike parcs in Wildlife reserves they do not give you a map of the campground.  Thankfully a butch lady say us driving around in circles and stopped us on one of our loops and asked if we needed help. We told her our problem. She said, No problem, follow me, the lady camped over yonder knows all the spot, she'll tell you were it is..

So it was now 10pm and PITCH BLACK. The new tent requires 2 people to put up and light, so we used the car's headlights but without running the truck.  BIG MISTAKE.  At some point the truck didn't start anymore. We hadn't even filled up the mattress. Thank god I had brought the tent floor.  At least it wasn't too hard sleeping on that floor.

Thankfully the next morning, my truck started, so I took it for a 30 minute drive back to La Macaza to make sure battery was good. Then we filled the mattress..

We did end up canoeing a bit on le lac des sucreries after it stopped raining on Saturday.

On Sunday we packed and we were back in Montreal by 12;30. Mostly because I was too tired.  I didn't have the energy to canoe. I didn't have the energy to do much of anything. Just packing uppacking, putting up tent and tarps wore me down completely.




Critter count, Ruffed grouse, loons, chipmunk, squirrel, groundhog.

Friday, July 07, 2017

Thursday, July 06, 2017

Towards an ASD diagnosis.

After the therapy session today, my therapist is now 99% sure I'm ASD.  He's also going to re-run the long diagnostic test he had me do 6 years ago, through the system again, apparently they analyze the data differently than they did back then.  Also next appointment, he will give me a test  to identify the level of my neuro differences.   I will also be meeting with a woman who works in the same office, for part of the test. She is their specialist in diagnosing autism. One part of test she will be doing is showing me pictures with facial expressions and see if I can identify them.  She generally works with children but apparently has diagnosed several young adults recently. I bet I will be the oldest female adult she's ever had to diagnose!

It feels good to know. It all fits in. Like I'm not missing parts of the puzzle anymore.  All the other health issues I have tend to be typical of people with autism. From the general over sensitivity, to the asthma, eczema, seasonal allergies, food allergies and intolerances, as well as gluten sensitivity, add the social anxiety, the generalized anxiety, hating change and the sensory processing disorder . Hell even my painful periods and hellish PMS which was closer to PMDD, it all fits.

Whether my mom knew or not or suspected, what's for sure is that she tried to help me be as autonomous and independent as possible. She gave me hundreds of coping skills and she had figured out many things about me to make me function at high levels.  My therapist thinks I'm a successful. person. To have managed to get myself where I am and function given all the other trauma's I've had, I'm ok. Now I just need to convince myself and not be always so hard on myself.  I often see myself as a GINORMOUS failure.

I need to keep repeating to myself, I'm different, not less. 

Tuesday, July 04, 2017

Passion of Photography

I was added to the group or joined it years ago, and in the past 6 months I've been getting pleasure posting 1 photo a day on the topic posted. I've followed the rules. Then 2 weeks ago, I can't find the group.

Since my ex husband's uncle is one of the moderators, I asked him what happened to the group, he said nothing. So a week later, I asked if I was blocked maybe. He said yes. Said moderator says I was posting too many photos on the wrong topic.

I was sick the week I was removed. I posted NOTHING the week I was removed.So the one thing that was giving me pleasure on Facebook is now gone. With  no recourse. Lovely eh?  And really what was the guy on?

I'm more upset than I should be, but I HATE HATE HATE being blamed for something I didn't do. It's not fair.

My dad would say life isn't fair. But I'm fed up of the unfairness.

So a giant FUCK YOU to the asshole who removed me for no reason.  Your loss. You won't see my photos anymore. 

So I tried to look on Facebook when the last time I posted to the group - but because I'm BLOCKED I can't search it.  So thankyou facebook from preventing me from defending myself. If I had access to the logs to show what I have posted, then I could prove I did nothing wrong. 

Saturday, July 01, 2017

Friday, June 30, 2017

Autism in Women in Quebec

I recently stumbled upon the fact that they are doing studies in Quebec and France about women with autism.  It's called "l'Autisme au feminin".  You can sign up here.

According to what I've read currently there is 1 woman diagnosed for every 4 men.  This is apparently wrong, there should be 1 women diagnosed for every 2 man.  Meaning that most women never get diagnosis.  Which is sad.  Knowledge is everything.  I feel so relieved. I spent most of my adult life knowing I was different, thinking I was half assed crazy but never been able to put my finger on it.  I feel so much better. I feel like for the first time I see the light. It explains EVERYTHING

This particular study is in French, so you can only participate if you master the French language, but you don't need to have an official diagnosis to participate.

I don't expect to benefit from this study, but hopefully the younger generation of girls will have an easier time getting diagnosis and treatment.

Systemic Racism?

The St Jean Baptiste parade in 2017 was of incredibly poor taste.  There are those who say there was no intention of racism. But please, what rock are people living under. Having a float pulled by visible minorities while the people on the floats are white DRESSED IN FUCKING WHITE????? You have to be braindead to not see racism.

It doesn't matter what the intentions were, it made Quebec look particularly racist.

Then the next day I find this gem on Journal de Montreal, where apparently it's common for personnel companies to be asked not to hire blacks! Like this is 2017.  Really?   I am 54. I grew up in Montreal and my neighbours as a child was a Haitian family. Blacks have been in Quebec for more than 50 years. What is wrong with people that they just see colour and not a human with skills?

I work in an engineering firm and hire interns 3 times a year. I tend to give interviews to every female that applies, regardless of her nationality, religion or country of origin. [Sometimes I can go a year without interviewing a female student] Over the years I've hired women from just about every nationality, including some born in Africa, who came to Canada just to study.  I'm always told internships are supposed to  help students. The students it helps the most is those who's family aren't likely to find them a job  in the field.

Don't get me wrong I also hire men and they are also from everywhere in the world. One African man I hired, just blew my mind. He grew up in a village with no electricity and he was one of the people who helped put up electrical poles and cabling and he was so amazed by electricity that he went to the nearest big city to take an Electrician's course. But he wanted more and eventually made his way to Canada to do an engineering degree.

What prevents me from hiring people is a bad attitude in the interview. Your race, religion, skin colour or gender isn't what will affect my decision.

Thursday, June 29, 2017

First review of new tent

When  I saw the Woods Yukon 6 person tent reduced due to the fact it was discontinued, at my local Canadian Tire store, I decided to do a bit of research. I was looking for a tent big enough to use our Queen size 2 foot high inflatable mattress comfortably preferably in a tent that supports windy areas.  As well I like a tent with a full fly. A half fly just don't fly with me.

This tent is big enough, even has a division that can be used to create 2 rooms.   The tent itself is mainly made of no-see-um mesh, except for the thick bathtub like bottom. The poles are aluminum. One this tent was up, it's not budging. While the tent only has the one door, the fly can be adapted to create a bay window style in front of tent while keeping some cover from the sun. 
We currently have it set up in the yard. We set it up in high winds, it was not going anywhere. This will be an awesome tent to use in front of lakes :)

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Vaccines don't cause autism

Let me tell you something. I've been recently told I'm ASD.  I've never had the MMR I already had the measles the day they passed in my class to offer a vaccine. I wasn't fully sick yet, I just had the 'cold symptoms' that first appear before the tell tale rash and fever. They asked me how I felt, I told them, they didn't vaccinate. Three days later I had the measles.

I have had both the measles and the mumps. Both left me with health issues. I spent 1 month in a dark room while I had the measles,  it was the only time I was completely delirious for days, I came very close to death and I've been hyper sensitive to light since.  From my late teens till 3 years ago I wore glasses that were photogrey. The minute I walked outside in the sun, my glasses would go dark. Each time I see an eye doctor I get asked "Do you realize your eyes are really sensitive to light" ... Uh no. Never noticed, she says squinting like a mofo. I have an EPIC crows foot on my forehead from decades of squinting.

The mumps itself wasn't a big problem, but once it was over I couldn't stop vomiting. I remember being taken to the clinic with a bucket.  To this day I have bad motion sickness. To the point sometimes I can't even rock myself or rock in a rocking chair. I make myself motion sick. Before the mumps, I could go to amusement parks, I could be in a car and NOT always be car sick, I used to enjoy using swings and flying high up in the sky. For years after the mumps I would HEAR a swing and it would give me motion sickness!!!!

I don't doubt that vaccines might have negative effects on some people.  I'm highly sensitive or allergic to so many things. However the vaccines I did get probably prevented me from developing other life long side effects from having caught a preventable infectious disease.

Also really, is saying having an autistic child is worse than having a dead child? Some of the diseases we all get vaccinated against have high mortality rates and/or high life long side effects.

As for ASD, I personally don't think it comes from environmental factors. As far as I can tell, and as far as  science seems to tell, ASD appears to be something nature is not taking out of our genes, this means there's a benefit of having people with ASD.  There is an evolutionary advantage for nature to keep the ASD genes in our genome.



Tuesday, June 27, 2017

New sarongs

My most recent sarongs. Two of them were found yesterday at Value village, the other two were found earlier in the year.

Monday, June 26, 2017

Slowly healing scar

Don't know if the sutures are dissolving normally or not.

Friday, June 23, 2017

This blog on Aspie women has been very helpful

This describes me. Especially the social hangovers! But so much else.  It's all making sense. Like a puzzle. So many things I could not put in words.I mean I always knew I was different, but I didn't realize I wasn't neurotypical until the original ADHD diagnosis 6 years ago. I don't have words to always describe how I'm feeling.  This social hangover, I was never able to express it except to say I needed time alone

What got me to really push my therapist to look at possibility I had an ASD, was this blog post, shared by a Facebook friend. She identified with it herself and suspected I might identify with it too. She knew I was in a position to actually get a diagnosis, whereas she's less in that position.

I went through the 30 points of that blog post with my therapist point per point, describing how I was at 5. I think most points hit home. With this he was able to see me, without the the hundreds of coping skills We discussed it first in early May. Last appointment in early June he said he thought about it and it all fits.

That he's sure without more testing that I am of the Asperger type of ASD, though that term has now been dropped from the DSMV.  We discussed doing another test, but I think  it might be more helpful to me to bring the blog post I linked earlier under social hangovers above and discuss the points that apply, and ask for help in the points where I struggle. I can put it in black and white, though many points have been previously identified.

I've been beating myself up for most of my life for behaviours that I can't help. I'm wired a certain way, I'm different, not less. Having mostly identified my weaknesses I can make a plan to help myself manage life and manage my stress and anxiety better.  And not beat myself up so much when I crash.

Something a fellow ASD said the other day resonates ; "We seem to know ourselves deeply but seem to be also running in  parallel with the rest of society"



Of course, it's sensory pain!

Apparently there are two different types of pain. Physical pain and sensory pain. I seem to have a high tolerance to physical pain, but a low tolerance to sensory pain. It explains why when I don't feel well, it hurts to be touched. I have weird touch issues, always had. Hated being picked up as a child except if I was feeling off. Then I did want my mom to hold me really tight.

So Doctor who did MOHS surgery gave me 2 days after I really fought for it.  But it wasn't enough. I'm still in a fair amount of head pain. It also makes sense why Tylenol and painkillers do little for my pain if it's not physical pain. I stopped taking Tylenol on Monday as all it did was make the pain a touch more tolerable but didn't take away the pain and after a week of Tylenol, my poor liver was starting to complain.

Doctor who did my MOHS surgery doesn't know I have SPD or that I'm ASD. Hell I've been suspecting it for some time now but I didn't really know either until about 2 months ago.

I can't function with sensory pain. I have no patience. Look at me sideways and I'll burst into tears. I was already very stressed before the surgery. I told my boss that I was on the verge of collapse and any comment might send me over the edge.

It's hard to heal if you don't sleep. It's hard to sleep if you're in pain. I've been sleeping sitting up because I still can't lie down. I lied for about 5 minutes on my other side today and my head started to ache so badly, like someone is hitting it with a hammer. Also it's not at the location of the scar it hurts, it feels it hurts deeper in my head and also it's not right on the forehead my skin feels weird, it's all the top of my head. I don't even like feeling wind on my hair or combing my hair because the top of my head feels strange

I was reading this blog this morning, and while my experience is different, at least it put things into perspective.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

Oh to be able to process.....

I've always seen the connection between lack of social skills and an above average intelligence. I remember asking my mom why she taught  me to read and write so young, why could I not wait till I get to school. Something she said at the time, that I needed to be socialized. I needed to learn social skills. That being very intelligent isn't enough, that you need to be socialized to function in the world. Growing up in the 60's, I was taught manners and social skills. I got repeated so often "girls do this, girls don't do that" This isn't very lady like.

I was always clumsy. I used to trip over my own feet, and running was a recipe for disaster Rare could I run and not fall and end up with a bloody knee. My mom put me in ballet for 3 years, until the ballet teacher took my mom aside one day and said "Your daughter has the grace of an elephant, why are you wasting your money putting her in ballet lessons. " After which I got singing and music lessons.  Well the ballet lessons were not completely useless. I am more graceful now, I am reasonably flexible, but I'm still clumsy. The more tired I am the worse I get.

I could always talk people's ear off, but rarely managed to communicate what is really eating me up. I can go on and on and on paragraphs of rambling, but actually expressing how I'm feeling, or what is bugging me is almost impossible. Most of the time it takes me forever to process things.  4-6 months to process big events.   It's why I haven't blogged in months.

Starting in March there was too much to process. I  don't deal well with new situations, new people, new places.   Since the beginning of the year I've seen too many doctors, been to too many hospitals and have not enough routine . I need routine to be able to function and handle the daily unpredictables .

So it takes me forever to process. I have sensory processing disorder . Meaning for instance I can hear perfectly what is said but brain won't translate what ears heard to brain so it sounds like Charlie Browns teacher.. That's my main example of when it fails.   It fails like that once or twice a day hearing wise, if I'm well rested. If' I'm tired it's fails more often.   Yes I have good hearing. Nothing to do with my hearing. This is mostly an example of Auditory Processing disorder but it's a subset of the sensory one.

 I've spent most of my adult life feeling like a failure and struggling just to do normal things. I've gone through bouts of depression, which started as young as 7. I get overwhelmed so easily by things outside my routine. As long as I can have a daily routine that's mostly the same it's good. But start changing my routine and I start to stress out, it gives me anxiety.

The past few months have been hell. Between doctors appointments as I age, and other issues, I just can't cope. I haven't processed the court case in mid April yet, and then there's the skin cancer which is gone, but I'm still processing. I have a gutted basement, I haven't been able to go down in my basement in weeks. I just want to cry when I think about it. . And right after finding out about the surgery for my skin cancer, we had a car accident, and I'm stuck driving a truck I despise.  And the MOHS surgery. You have it and go back to work the next day . I fought to get 2 extra days off siting that I do have some physical work. My head still feels numb. Until this morning I still felt pain from the scar each time I moved my head or did much of anything.   I still have not been able to lie down to sleep. I haven't slept very well since the surgery.

I'm so overwhelmed at the moment, I can't cope, with anything. I've been home all week. In bed. Didn't even sew. Don't even have the brain power. I'm just worn down.





Wednesday, June 21, 2017