Wednesday, February 21, 2018

I never knew

Until recently I never knew how much of a great actor and imitator I am. I'm impressive. I mean I hid my autism and my stims for 54 years!

The reason I found out I was autistic now is because the amount of effort I put in to pass in society is draining me faster as I age. This article is so much on point, I wanted to cry after reading it.

Thursday, February 15, 2018

Autistic people are not failed versions of Normal!

Great Ted article

I spent most of my life seeing myself more as a failure than as a success. Because somehow my high IQ didn't translate in an MIT degree.  However now that I know that I am autistic and that to function in society I had to work 3-4 times as hard as most people, I'm actually a success.  I always wondered why it felt things so were difficult. I was always told I seem to make things so difficult. Well because for me they were difficult.

I realized recently that the 8 years of therapy I've been doing has empowered me. It has given me the ability to understand my emotions.  I know it seems incredulous that a 50+ year old woman would not understand her own emotions but I didn't. I couldn't identify how I was feeling. I could not understand why I got so frustrated at times or would just blow up.   Now I understand that I get sensory overload.  When I'm overwhelmed anything can set me off to have a meltdown or shutdown.   I  am able to identify emotions and process them sometimes on the same day, or the next day.   Before it could take me weeks or months to process. Sometimes I'd forget about the event instead of identifying the emotions associated.

It explains why sometimes when I relate a story from the past I can get very angry. I never processed the emotion then, each time I retell story I reget angry all over again. It also explains why I can seem to lie when asked how I'm feeling and say different emotions for when I appear to have same emotion to others....

I've realized also that the 8 years of therapy gave me the language to be able to tell my therapist I thought I was autistic and why. I've suspected on and off for years honestly, but then kept thinking... my mom would have known... she was a first grade teacher.   I know when I first read about Aspergers nearly 20 years ago, I wondered how much it applied to me... I knew that I had many male friends around me that would be on the spectrum, especially in computer and BBS related environments.

Valentine day gift

Was stunned. Terry got me a Kali Tshirt for Valentines day. I didn't even think he knew who Kali was! And he also got me my favourite chocolate bar from the only vendor who's chocolate I've been eating the past 2 years. Sadly I can't find the boxer briefs I made for him :( Gotta love how well I hide things!

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Took dirt off laptop CPU fan.

My old laptop, the red Thinkpad edge that got fucked going to Toronto, was shutting down every 30 minutes. I figured it might be overheating. So I opened it up and when I saw CPU fan I knew I was right. I took Q-tip with rubbing alcohol and passed everywhere there was dust. Then waited about 15 minutes to make sure all alcohol had evaporated and put the thing back together. I has not rebooted once since.

I've been using it to watch Grey's Anatomy. 14 seasons and I had watched up to somewhere in Season 5 and was watching the spin off Private Practice instead - which I liked a lot.  But I'm getting into it now and will be watching all 14 seasons.  Gives me something to watch during the Olympics as my typical TV shows are on hiatus till march. 

Saturday, February 10, 2018

2018 started weird for Izzy

My poor daughter, with her brain surgery ended up with 21 fucking staples holding her head together after the surgery.  She's been home with an IV, and will be taking antibiotics by IV till mid march. She sees a CLSC nurse daily who changes her bag.

Now she has Shingles, because having brain surgery wasn't stressful enough!!!! Boy am I happy that I got vaccinated against shingles in December.... at the same time I got my tetanus and diphteria shot.


Wednesday, February 07, 2018

My mom's sister is dead.

Tante Lucille passed away February 6th around lunch time. She was 86.

Here is the link to the OBIT

Friday, February 02, 2018

They wanted breakfast

When I opened my bedroom door, I found that my 3 cats were waiting for breakfast. They had even found the foodballs.

Wednesday, January 24, 2018

So they sent me a photo

Of the back of Izzy's head. She had 21 staples. Count them. 21!  Her scar looks about 6 inches long. Crazy!

When we do things we don't do it half ass! And hopefully this is the last of the surgery. I mean in 2016 Sam had surgery to remove a Cyst in her breast, that left a 6 1/2 cm hole that had to heal from the inside and took I think nearly 3 months. Then there's my skin cancer surgery in 2017, and now Izzy with two brain assesses.

Friday, January 19, 2018

Last dress made in 2017

Terry's mom gave me a Fabricville giftcard for my birhday and with it I got the Fabric I used to make this Dress. It's based on a Burda pattern but I made different sleeves, and I put a shorter zipper. It turned out great! When I was coming out of Costco earlier today the woman who checks your cart on your way out stopped me to compliment me on the dress.

Wednesday, January 17, 2018

Izzy is going to be OK

So turns out the lump over her cerebellum was 2, yes 2 abscesses

Izzy said to me last night "Surgery went well. It's an infection, no tumour or cancer. Lots of antibiotics in my future but generally good news".

She will be seeing the infectious disease doctor in the following days, as she also had 2 cysts in her armpits in the fall. That seems odd to get cysts and abscesses all in a short time.

Sunday, January 14, 2018

I have a Toro Power shovel

I cleared the entire driveway with it. Now I'm going to pay for it dearly. I will be sore for days and days.

Friday, January 12, 2018

My grand daughter is so adorable!

Here she is with the cat ears I got her for Christmas.  I got them so her and her half-sister who is 15 could pose together as cats. The elder child likes anime and disguising as animals.  I didn't think at 18months she'd enjoy wearing cat ears, but her mom tells me she leaves them in a location Mado can find them and she likes to wear them.

Heck I like wearing my cat ear headbands too. I got mine and theirs at Forever 21.

Thursday, January 11, 2018

My baby is at the neurological institute like WTF

So Izzy messaged me yesterday to say that she'd had the mother of all headaches for days and went to hospital, they did CT scan and found a bump over her cerebellum.  So they sent her to the neurological institute where they are monitoring her until they can operate.  They are also supposed to give her an MRI to know more.

Like WTF?????

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

More links on MKUltra

Interesting article from McGill on MK ULtra

And another article about Dr Cameron 

PDF includes most of the pre-trial documentation for the trial in the USA

Another PDF about the court case in the USA

ANd another, but most seem to contain similar data.

Then there is this in Rauh Papers :

They don't talk about my dad, but they talk about Leonard Cohen and MKUltra... 

and I ordered Father, Son and CIA from Amazon, and am looking forward to reading it. 

Tuesday, January 09, 2018

Fuck no!

Jury Duty convocation,.
I received this letter yesterday and I've had anxiety since.  Basically the thought of spending several hours in a room with 50-100 people being asked personal questions are freaking me out. My social anxiety will be through the roof. I hope a letter from my therapist will excuse me from it. 
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to participate. I love crime shows and court TV but with social anxiety, public speaking isnt for me. Nor spending days sitting quietly listening to people. I need to keep busy and I can't exactly sew to keep busy in a court room. 

Monday, January 08, 2018

New dresses to.try

There's these 4 patterns I want to try. I had bought 2.5 meters of one reddish tie-dye rayon woven and 3 meters of another with the same base colour but with black to make a design. With it, I cut 4 different dresses, so I can see how they turn up finished. All the dresses I'm making will be a few inches above the knee.  I can't wear ankle length dresses, they make me look like I'm 4 foot 2.

Sunday, January 07, 2018

Car booster pack was great purchase

About a week ago I purchased a battery booster pack, or the MotoMaster Eliminator 1500A Lithium-Ion Booster Pack & Power Bank  for $230.  I was hoping originally to buy the one on sale at $130 normally $160, the NOCO Genius GB40 Boost+ Jump Starter and Power Bank, 1000 Amp but considering we were having a cold spell, the damn thing was selling like hotcakes.

We've used it a dozen times already. If we'd had to call even a taxi it would have been $20-50 per boost. It works well. It could probably start my truck 10 times before needing a charge, and works in -30 C weather.

The battery pack can also be used to charge USB devices. I haven't checked if you can buy an external powerplug for it, but it comes with USB charger and a 12V charger for the car. I've been plugging in the USB cable into one of my Samsung chargers.

Wednesday, January 03, 2018

I could have written this

Found this article and the list is so me. :)  I wish my mom was alive and I could show her why I never managed to graduate from university. Why such a bright girl has so many fears and sometimes gets so stuck in her own head...


Tuesday, January 02, 2018

Discovery Alaska Shows Rock

We stayed at a few hotels on our vacation and I got addicted to discoveries Alaska shows.

First show is Homestead Rescue. What to say about the Rainey's? Love their no nonsense attitude and love their unique solutions to make homesteads work. Absolutely love this show. Even Terry likes this one.

Second show is The Edge of Alaska. Sadly there will be no more after the 6th season that just finished. This show was a lot of fun showing how it is to live in a frontier town in Alaska.  I wonder if the town of McCarthy will get sold and how it will affect it?

Third show is Alaska: The Final frontier. This show resonates the most with me.  These people are intelligent folks who decided to live mostly from what they make on the homestead. The show makes it out that they will die if they don't get their winter food, but there's like a town driving distance from them, where one family goes to see new movies on a regular basis. It's obvious they are educated folks who prefer to live a "simple life" depending the least possible on society. It doesn't mean they are completely off grid or don't benefit from going to the store but if they can find it or recycle it why go to the store. My favourite character is Jane Kilcher. She's a woman, who worked as a professional fisherman for over 10 years. Woman after my own heart. She's also a mom and she seems ok with the hard life on the homestead.

I've watched a bit of Alaskan Bush people ,and not as thrilled with the Browns as with the Kilchers. They aren't as polished or as educated.

Monday, January 01, 2018

It's 2018

Happy new Year.

May it be the best year yet!

Sunday, December 31, 2017

Saturday, December 30, 2017

Fabric from club tissue

From Club Tissu in St Hubert
Club Tissu in Laval
At the club tissu in laval, on boxing day I picked up 4 pieces of fabric. Two cottons, a leopard print and a pink/black design. The blue/black leopard is a rayon knit and the circular print is a rayon woven. 

At the club tissu in St Hubert I got some red Merino wool, and some pink Rayon woven. Disappointed. Usually my Club Tissu Christmas trip I buy far more fabric.